


Then Let Me Say Three Things

by koap



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Developing Relationship, Drunk Shenanigans, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, Heartbreak, Lots of it, Lots of that too, M/M, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, So many emotions, Texting, WooSan wasn't planned, but they're here
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:54:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23599435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koap/pseuds/koap
Summary: They say your early 20's are the best years of your life, but...they forgot to mention how each high is accompanied by an equally low moment.Here are three things I have to say about my early 20's.
Relationships: Choi Jongho/Kang Yeosang, Choi San/Jung Wooyoung, Jeong Yunho/Song Mingi, Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 6
Kudos: 11





	1. Chapter 1

**2\. I have never pushed and pulled, learned, and loved so much in a relationship.**

It was the Friday before a week-long break from classes. In my final semester of college. You had better bet I was going to get drunk!

...well, actually, I'm already drunk...

Can you blame me? I've been slightly hungover all day after having gone out last night. College Friday, am I right? It's not like I have any classes on Fridays, but I still had to go into work. Sitting in a chair **all. day. long.** is torturous when you're hungover. You want to know what's worse? Using a standing desk while hungover. I only had one call scheduled for the day (bless up for some foresight); so, once lunch time hit, my coworkers (only the ones I'm actually friends with) and I decided to grab lunch and some drinks. Gotta spice it up to survive the last few hours of the work week! Plus... they say the cure to a hangover is more alcohol. 

At one point, one of my coworkers wanders off for a bit, but none of us really pay any mind to it, too engrossed in our complaints about work. I really wish, though, I was paying attention because, suddenly, they come back to the table with shots of Fireball. Just the smell brings me back to last night. Yunho's hyperactive ass bought us all shots last night at the bar before we even got there... and that was just the start of the story of how I ended up making out with this guy. Couldn't tell you his name or what he looked like... 

or how many drinks I'd had at that point, but it's kinda my thing when I go out to drink... to kiss at least one guy. 

I throw back the shot of Fireball and quickly chase it with my beer. Yeah... Not the best combination, but it's what I've got in front of me. I decide, after I finish this beer, that's it for me for now. I have to walk past my boss's desk to get back to mine, and I would prefer she not be able to smell the alcohol on me. Plus, there's still **hours** left of the workday. Still feeling the hangover a bit, I stay pretty quiet, chuckling along in the conversation, but not really adding anything. I decide to focus most of my attention on fries instead... because... fries. 

By the time we need to head back to the office, one of my coworkers offers to pay for all the food and drinks. It pays off to be the youngest person on the team because they hardly ever expect me to pay for stuff, but I get free stuff all the time. The rest of the day drags on, but I just watch some silly YouTube videos while finishing some data entry. My boss left two hours early, which meant _technically_ I could leave, too, and nobody would notice. I decide against it, though, since I basically wasted the entire morning doing nothing. I'm still a semi-responsible employee, so I want to at least cross some things off my to-do list... 

Now that all the alcohol is outta the system, I kick it into overdrive and finish up all my tasks before the end of the workday. It's a pretty nice day outside, so I decide to walk back to my apartment instead of taking the bus. At rush hour, it takes about the same amount of time to get back. Headphones in, here we go! 

* * *

_**yunho:** _

_you still down to go to mingi's party tonight?_

**_hongjoong:_ **

_fuck_

_i'm still feeling a lil hungover from all those shots last night..._

_so idk_

_**yunho:** _

_dafuq_

_since when do you pass on a party?_

_plus, san is gonna be there_

**_hongjoong:_ **

_who dat_

**_yunho:_ **

_..._

_from last night?_

**_hongjoong:_ **

_no clue_

**_yunho:_ **

_just_

_show up for a little bit_

**_hongjoong:_ **

_yeah, yeah_

_we'll see how i feel after i take a nap_

**_yunho:_ **

_sweet dreams_

_bitch_

**_hongjoong:_ **

_luv u 2_

* * *

_**14 unread messages** _

_Ugh... I'm gonna go... leave me alone pls..._ I mumble to myself as I squint my eyes to look at my phone. Those blackout curtains really work, so my screen feels extra, extra bright. It's already 7:30 PM; but, come on... 14 messages?! _Alright... let's get reading..._

**_mingi:_ **

_yunho said you were thinking of not coming tonight_

_you know i'll come and drag your ass out here if i have to_

I roll my eyes after reading those first texts because Mingi really would come knock down my door to drag me out. I'd do the same to him. He's one of the few who go can drink for drink with me, so I gotta keep him around for the safety of my other friends. Wouldn't want them to have to go through the whole process of getting their stomachs pumped... 

_tch..._ Of course... most of the other messages are from Wooyoung... 

_**wooyoung:** _

_hyung_

_hyung_

_HYUNG!!!_

_r u alive?_

_you seemed fine last night when you were making out with san_

_dont tell me u died on us_

_hyung :(_

_ur going tonight, right?_

_i need u to be my beer pong partner_

_pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee_

_please, hyung?_

He really is so needy... Honestly, though, his clinginess makes me feel so warm and wanted. I would like to think I'm very attractive and all, but Wooyoung's attention is just so sweet and enjoyable! His beer pong skills, though... _this fucker... he just wants me to carry his ass in beer pong so he can pull some mens attention._ I have been known to be pretty good at beer pong. Good enough, at least, to basically win on my own when I play with Wooyoung. He's been my wingman plenty of times in the past, so I guess I can do this much for him... 

_**jongho:** _

_dinner?_

The thought of food makes my stomach grumble. Jongho sent that message over 30 minutes ago, so I don't even know if he's still hungry... 

_**hongjoong:** _

_sry_

_just woke up_

_you still down?_

Before I even get a response from Jongho, another text comes in... 

_**wooyoung:** _

_BITCH_

_you can reply to jongho, but not me?!?!?!_

_I HATE YOU!!!_

**_hongjoong:_ **

_youngie..._

_his was the first text i saw_

_i was just about to text you back_

**_wooyoung:_ **

_oh._

_sowwee, hyung :(_

_i dont hate you..._

**_hongjoong:_ **

_i know, i know_

_and_

_yeah, i'll be at mingi's for a little bit tonight_

_we can play a few games of beer pong_

**_wooyoung:_ **

_yay!!!_

_love you, hyung!!!!!_

_now, come to dinner_

**_hongjoong:_ **

_okay, i'll be there in 6 mins_

_Such a_ _brat..._ I thought to myself. Jongho had already texted me where they were eating, so I had already started making my way while responding to Wooyoung's barrage of texts. It was still early enough that I would have time to go back to my apartment to change before the party, so I just pulled my hood up because my hair was **a mess**. 

Shoot... Mingi. I forgot to text him back. 

_**hongjoong:** _

_yeah, i'll be there_

_no need to be all dramatic_

_go ahead and tell your mans i'll be there, too_

_that way you both leave me alone_

_see you soon_

**_mingi:_ **

_my who?_

**_hongjoong:_ **

_shut up_

_yunho_

_tell yunho_

_i know you're with him_

**_mingi:_ **

_hyung, it's not like that_

**_hongjoong:_ **

_yeah, yeah_

_tell me that again when i see you two making out tonight_

_just tell him, okay_

**_mingi:_ **

_i hate you_

**_hongjoong:_ **

_luv u 2_

**_mingi:_ **

_hey, you said that to yunho earlier_

**_hongjoong:_ **

_told you_

_your mans_

_bye_

* * *

As I open the door to the cafe, I can see and, most definitely, hear Wooyoung charging at me. _Hyuuuuuuuuung!! Thank god you're here... I've been third-wheeling with Jongho and Yeosang for, like, HOURS._

_Wooyoung. Personal space. Can't really breathe..._ I struggle say, his arms wrapped tightly around me, so tight I can't even lift my own to hug him back. 

_Sorry, hyung..._ He says as he undoes his arms and grabs onto one of mine, walking us back to the table. _Hyung, I ordered your favorite!_ Wooyoung is proudly pointing at where a plate of untouched food sits. 

Yeosang suddenly looks up from his food. _Actually... I ordered it, punk._ He says as he scowls at Wooyoung. _Hi,_ _hyung. Hopefully it's still warm. I had to stop Wooyoung from devouring it..._ The accused just shyly scratches the back of his head, looking down in guilt. 

_It's okay, Youngie. We can share. I'm still feeling a little hungover from last night, so I'm not too hungry._ Wooyoung starts bouncing up and down, handing me a set of silverware as picks up his own to begin eating. _Thanks for the food, Yeosang. How much do I owe you?_

Yeosang just shakes his head as if to say "Don't worry about it." He's always been generous like this... always buying people things out of the kindness of his heart. _I figured you wouldn't be feeling too well after last night. You really went hard on the dance floor at the bar. Well... there wasn't really even a dance floor, but you and that San guy made one for yourselves. Everyone else just kinda watched,_ he chuckled at the memory. 

In between bites, still food in my mouth, I ask, _Okay... who is this San guy? Everyone keeps bringing him up._

Wooyoung's jaw drops at the question. _Hyung, you don't remember? He was sooooooooo hot. You two were basically sucking each other's faces off when you weren't grinding on each other or taking shots. You even let him take a body shot off of you. You're telling me you don't remember that?_

I reach down to touch my stomach as if the physical sensation will bring back some memories... nope. Nothing. No idea who this mans is. _No clue,_ I say, shrugging my shoulders. 

Jongho finally decides to chime in. _You were pretty drunk... many, many shots lost their lives to you last night,_ a small chuckle at his own joke. _But I hear San will be at Mingi's tonight. I can point him out to you. But! I'm gonna go take a quick nap before the party. The lab really drained my energy today... Pipetting isn't all it's made out to be._

I just nod at him and say a quick "See you later," but Wooyoung is the punk who says, _See ya, Yeosang!_

_Who said I'm leaving?_

_We know you two are gonna go cuddle and nap. Just go,_ he says, waving them both off without even looking up at them. 

_Fine... see you later!_

* * *

After finishing up dinner, Wooyoung begs me to come over to help me pick out an outfit for tonight. I like to make sure I look good whenever I go to a party, so I already had an outfit in mind. I let Wooyoung come over, though, because I know he doesn't really like to spend time alone when he's all hyper like this. He basically skips the whole way there, dragging me along with our arms interlocked. 

_**unknown number:** _

_i'll see you later tonight at mingi's?_

I pocket my phone without responding. Who knows who that could be. There are probably so many people out there with my number without having remembered giving it to them. You know, the whole make out with at least one mans each night out thing... 

Wooyoung cocks an eyebrow at me, _Who was that?_

_I don't know. Some random number._

_Maybe it's San!! Ask, hyung!!!!_

I just shake my head and throw my phone on the bed. _Gotta get ready now, Youngie, so we're not late to the pre-game!_ I start stripping without hesitation. Wooyoung and I have seen each other naked so many times before, have cuddled too many times to count, have even showered together multiple times. There's literally no reason to be awkward together. I pull on some tight, leather pants; a black, mesh croptop; a leather jacket; and combat boots. I decide to switch out the piercing in my left earlobe to a dangling one. 

_Tada~!_ _What do you think, Youngie?_

Without even looking up, Wooyoung says, _Yeah, yeah... you look good. That number was San. Told him you'll look for him tonight._

_Yah!_ I yell at him and jump onto him, pushing him down into my bed. Wooyoung's body is so sensitive to any touch, so I decide to go for a tickle attack since I'm not actually upset about what he did. _So what if San thinks he's gonna get some from me tonight? Probably not going to happen..._ I thought to myself. Wooyoung is laughing and kicking away as I continue to tickle him. 

_Ah~ hyung~ stooooop~_ Wooyoung moans out and then starts laughing hysterically as I push off of him. 

_Always such a perv... Now get up. Let's go,_ I said, pulling him up from my bed. I know Wooyoung is just joking. We did try having sex a few years back, but quickly realized... not it. We've been best friends ever since (even if he is so. freaking. annoying)!

* * *

We've played about six games of beer pong at this. Well... should I say _**I've**_ played about six games of beer pong at this point. Wooyoung is basically useless, misses nearly every shot. There was one game, though, where Wooyoung made the last cup, jumping up and down and screaming, _See, hyung!! Hyung, I made it!! I told you I don't suck!!!_

I pull out my phone. How is it already past 1 AM...?

_**4 unread messages** _

_**~~SANNIE~~** _

_hey, are you here yet?_

_let me know when you get here. i'll be by the DJ_

_????_

_oh, too busy playing beer pong. lemme know when youre done_

Fucking Wooyoung changed his contact name... of course. _Yah, Youngie, I'm starting to feel tired... and drunk. Think I'm gonna go home now. You wanna come or you good?_

Wooyoung just pouts at me... hoping that'll convince me to stay (it doesn't). _I'm good. I'll just go home with Jongho and Yeosang. You good to walk home alone?_

_Yeah, I've been worse. I'm gonna say bye to the others. Be good and call me if you need anything!_ I say, patting Wooyoung on the back, but he barely notices because he's already talking to someone else... 

Just as I had predicted, Yunho and Mingi are making out towards the front of the room. I yell at them from across the room, loud enough to be heard over the music, _Mingi-yah! Yunho-yah!_ They both pull away from each other in shock and embarrassment, searching the room to see where the calls came from. Finally, they spot me from across the room, and it looks like Mingi is motioning me over to him. I just shake my head, sending them a heart from across the room and pretending to make out with an invisible man. They both give me the middle finger as I wave and turn to walk out. 

* * *

The walk back to my apartment isn't too bad. Maybe 10 minutes? I've done worse, and there's campus security everywhere on Friday nights. Still, I clutch my phone in my hand just in case and mentally repeat to myself, _Must get home; don't get touched. Must get home; don't get touched. Must get home; don't get touched._

Just a few steps away from the front door of my apartment complex, I suddenly feel someone grab onto my arm and forcefully turn me around. Before I can even get a word out of my mouth or get a look at who it is, I feel a pair of lips on mine. They move messily against my stiff ones, body unsure of what to do, still in shock. 

Finally, they pull away... 

_Umm..._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's find out who the mystery lips belong to...

Well, let's just say house parties aren't really my thing. They're usually way too loud and overcrowded. Don't even get me started on the sticky floors... Like, this is someone's home, but the floors are so disgusting. **How?** Just walking on them makes me cringe... There's always the added bonus of cops getting called and shutting down the party. I'm old enough to be legally drinking, but there are usually plenty of underage kids there, too. Yeah, yeah... I used to be one of them, but I don't really need that worry in my life anymore. 

Instead, I usually opt to go to bars with a small group of friends. Please note, I said bars, not clubs. Clubs are kind of like house parties, but as a legit business. Bars are typically quieter and more easygoing. More my speed. 

It's no surprise my friends and I end up at a bar the Friday night before a break during our final semester in college. My friends are stressing me out, talking about their post-graduation plans, so I'm drinking more than I usually would and faster than I usually would. I mean, I have some idea of what I want to be doing and where I want to be doing it, but I haven't quite finalize all of the details (mostly those related to employment...). _We're getting there. There's no rush,_ I assure myself mentally. Not wanting to put my anxious energy out into the world, I mostly sit by and chuckle occasionally, but not really contributing much to the conversation. 

It's still pretty early in the night for a Friday, only 11:30 PM, but I decide to text my friend who's sitting only a few seats over to see if he wants to head out. We live in the same apartment complex, so it's more convenient for us to leave together. Luckily, he says yes (bless up). I chug the rest of my drink before announcing I'm heading out. A few of my friends whine, but they know, when I say I'm out, I'm out. Not much you can do to get me to stay... I'm probably see most of them at brunch tomorrow. 

_Hyung, do you want to check out that party at Mingi's for a bit? It's probably still going on,_ my friend asks, looking at a video on Snapchat and showing it to me. 

I consider it for **maybe** half a second, before saying, _I'm just really tired... I worked the restaurant all day, up until we decided to go out. Want me to walk you there, though?_ My maternal instincts kick in, always wanting to make sure my friends are safe; but, deep down, I'm hoping he says no... 

_No, I'm not gonna go if you're not going. I hate going to places alone..._ he says. Maybe it's the alcohol in me, but I don't sense any sadness in his response, which makes it a little easier to accept I just ended the rest of his night. 

* * *

Finally back in my apartment, I plop down on my bed. My dog comes running in and jumps right onto the bed with me, quickly finding his place on my stomach. _Hi, Cutie._ Yup. You read that correctly, Cutie with a capital C. His name is Cutie. Judge me all you want... I got him when I was, like... super young. _Did you miss me?_ I ask, very well knowing he can't respond, gently petting him on the head. The warmth of his body on my slightly tipsy self and the soothing sensation of feeling his soft fur between my fingers slowly lulls me to sleep... too tired to even care that I was still dressed in the clothes I went out in. 

Let me tell you... when I say I have the most irrational fear that there's a murderer in my apartment, I **mean** I have **the most** irrational fear that there's a murderer in my apartment. I know; I know... I live alone and made sure to check my entire apartment when I got here, but **still**... something in my head seems to think it's alright to literally scare myself awake thinking these are the final moments of my life when Cutie decides to wake up and jump off my stomach to the ground. 

_Holy fuck!_ I whisper-yell to myself as I shoot up into a seated position, quickly scanning the room. Of course, the results of the scan are as usual: Nothing in the room but me and Cutie. He looks up at me for a brief moment before quickly turning back around and walking out of the room as if to say, _This shit again? Boy, bye._

Eventually, my breath regulates, and I take a quick look down at myself... Drunk me, not a smart move. Dirty going out clothes in your clean bed? Now I'm gonna have to wash my sheets again, even though I **just** washed them... Sighing, I get up to go change. Not much I can do now other than this; the moment has already passed. I throw on some black sweats and a burgundy hoodie. Oh, and socks. Definitely socks. My feet get cold easily... 

I crawl back into bed, this time under my blanket. Luckily, the going out germs are on the top of the blanket since I was too tired to even get under it earlier. I try to quickly find myself back in sleepy land, but apparently the adrenaline from earlier's scare is still in my system because I restlessly toss and turn. Eventually, I decide to pick up my phone, deeming sleep a lost cause at this point. The brightness of my screen... geez. 

**1:43 AM**

**_3 unread messages on Grindr_ **

Of course... it **is** a Friday night. I open the messages, just to check if they're cute. Usually, they're not, though... As expected, not cute. Not one bit. I stopped getting disappointed by that a **long** time ago... It's still a wonder to myself why I haven't deleted the app yet... I close the app after opening the messages so the notifications go away. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's seeing the little notification bubbles on my phone, so I must clear the messages. 

A few Buzzfeed articles, a YouTube video or two, some Instagram stories, and sleep finally starts to sneak its way back in. Moments, and I mean moments, before I shut my eyes again, another notification pops up from Grindr; and, since I'm still awake when the notification comes in, I have to open it to make it go away... 

**2:17 AM**

_**1 unread message on Grindr** _

_**H J** _

_Hey there, cutie!_

Seems oddly energetic for how late it is... I click on the profile, just in case, and what I see next nearly makes me drop my phone on my face. _Wow... he's super cute,_ I whisper to myself in the darkness of my room. Still shocked that it's not a message from a significantly older man, I take a few moments too long just raking over his profile photo. Only half of his face is shown, but his bright smile is so captivating. Like, how can a human have such white teeth **and** such a warm smile. And the earrings... the earrings... I have such a thing for piercings. I can see just a little bit of his hair, and it looks like it was growing out from being dyed a light purple? Maybe grey? Either way, it still looks soft and fluffy, which tells me he knows what he's doing because most people who dye their hair leave it looking fried because they don't know how to take care of it... 

I spent so much time looking at his half a face that I almost forgot to look at the part of the picture he probably wanted me to be looking at when he chose this picture to be his profile photo; his exposed chest and abs. It was a mirror pic in a bathroom. He had a black peacoat on and a pink sweater underneath, but... his somehow elegant (????) fingers had the pink sweater pulled up to expose his slim waist and toned chest and abs. He wasn't jacked or anything, but definitely minimal fat on his body. My eyes keep tracing downward towards his absurdly cute belly button (again ????) to the hem of his **tight** leather pants. They hug his thighs, but I bet I could hug his thighs even tighter... I mean... nevermind. The gold belt buckle is a nice touch to close out the outfit. 

Oh, I almost forgot to mention the Elsa toothbrush in the cup on the front of the sink. _Cute._

_Shit,_ I say. I spent so much time just admiring his picture that I hadn't even responded yet! 

_**Hwa** _

_hey back, cutie!_

**_H J_ **

_I really like your make up and hair! You definitely know how to show off that pretty face of yours :)_

Wow, a man on Grindr who's not just jumping straight to the sex? A rarity! Ignore the blush from the compliment... 

_**Hwa** _

_a sweet talker, huh? :P_

_you have great taste in_ _jewelry_

 _especially your dangling_ _earring_

_not many people can pull that look off_

**_H J_ **

_I have been known to give really good compliments. Thoughts?_

_You seem to know how to give out compliments yourself..._

The humor on this one is oddly enticing. Let's see where this goes... Sleep almost nowhere to be found. 

_**Hwa** _

_hmm... i've only witnessed one compliment so far. gonna need more evidence to make an informed decision ;)_

_trust me, i only compliment those who deserve it_

_and, with a picture like that, you sure deserve all the compliments out there_

**_H J_ **

_Sorry, you've reached your daily limit of compliments. Please come again tomorrow._

**_Hwa_ **

_aww, i was hoping i would get to see you tonight... :(_

Oh, that came out **way** faster than I anticipated... oops. 

_**H J** _

_I mean, I didn't say that wasn't an option._

_Just don't be expecting any compliments._

_What are you up to?_

Oh gosh... it's been a while since I've done this. Do I really want to go down this road? What if he's secretly a murderer???? I lock my phone screen before responding, the thought causing overwhelming anxiety. As if on cue, Cutie pops his head back into my room, skeptically looking at me, before jumping into bed next to me. He cuddles into the crook of my arm, quickly making the worry dissipate. _He's probably not a murderer, right?_ I ask Cutie. He doesn't respond, but that was enough for me to convince myself. I mean, he's fucking cute...

_**Hwa** _

_just in bed_

_can't sleep..._

_you?_

**_H J_ **

_Just got into my apartment after being surprise kissed by a stranger in front of my apartment complex. Casual._

_What's keeping you up?_

_**Hwa** _

_oh??? are you okay???_

Even for this stranger, cute fucking stranger, the maternal instincts kick in. 

_**Hwa** _

_did you try calling campus security?_

_hmm..._

_bed's just feeling a little empty tonight :(_

Shhh... my bed is usually this empty. Don't judge my poor flirt game. I'm out of practice! 

_**H J** _

_Haha, yeah, I'm fine. I may have exaggerated..._

_We met last night at a bar and made out._

_Not that big of a deal, haha. Just wasn't expecting it. Didn't even know he was there... or that he knew where I lived..._

_How can your bed be empty if you just said you're in it? Hmm..._

I definitely wasn't smiling fondly at his silly humor. Definitely not. But then I re-read his messages... and the murderer fear kicked in.

_**Hwa** _

_are you sure he's not stalking you?!?!_

_are you safe?_

_do you need me to come pick you up?_

Oh. Woah. I swear... that was **only** the maternal instincts talking. I put my phone on Do Not Disturb and locked it so fast. How fucking embarrassing, Seonghwa... You don't even know him! Way to fuck it up. Nice. 

I let a few minutes pass before wearily checking to see if he responded, hoping he didn't because I just want to crawl into a hole right about now. 

_**3 new messages on Grindr** _

_**H J** _

_I'm fine! I promise! He just happens to live in the same building._

_Thanks for offering to help, though :)_

_So thoughtful~_

Did I just... get rejected? Well then... 

_**Hwa** _

_phew... glad to hear you're safe :)_

_have a good rest of your night then!_

Well, that was fun while it lasted... Phone locked. Time to try to sleep again... 

Unknowingly, I turned to my side and wrapped my arms around Cutie. I didn't realize I was semi-hoping he was H J's slim waist until he shuffles a little bit to get me to loosen up. I open my eyes up and lay on my back, just staring up at the ceiling. That blindingly beautiful smile was making it really difficult for me to keep my eyes closed. Cutie shuffles again in his sleep, and I imagine his fur brushing up against my skin as H J's soft fingertips caressing me. 

You don't even know his name, Seongwha! Let it go... 

A few tosses and turns later, and I decide I might as well occupy my mind with something else. 

_**2 unread messages on Grindr** _

They're probably just old men again trying to hit on me, but I have to open them to make the notifications go away. 

**_H J_ **

_So..._

_Are you still willing to come pick me up, even though I'm no damsel in distress?_

Oh. 

Shoot, that was over 15 minutes ago... what if he's already asleep? 

_**Hwa** _

_sure!_

_if you're still awake, yknow..._

Smooth, Seonghwa... Smooth.

_**H J** _

_Still awake!_

_Here's my address..._

_Let me know when you're outside!_

Oh gosh. I'm really doing this? I'm really doing this... what if I'm not as cute as he thinks? What if he's a **murderer**?! 

No, Seonghwa. You're gonna do this. You haven't done anything like this in over a year. Let yourself do this. He had his chance to get out of it, and he still took your offer. He wants this. He wants you. 

End quick pep talk. 

Excited, I jump out of bed, startling Cutie awake... for the second time tonight. _Sorry, buddy._ I grab my keys and wallet from my bedside table and shove them into my hoodie pocket. 

Shoot... I look like a fucking bum in my sweats... no time to change, though! 

_**Hwa** _

_says i'll be there in 12 minutes_

**_H J_ **

_Okay!_

_I'll just wait outside then :)_

I jump into my car and turn the key. I pull out my phone to put his address (shoot... still don't know his name) into the GPS and then start blasting some Beyonce. Equal parts pump up, sexy, and mood music. Can't go wrong with Beyonce... 

* * *

Only one minute away... shit. _I can still turn around,_ I tell myself while nervously strumming my fingers on the steering wheel. _The last time I did this..._

No, Seonghwa. That was last time. This is a completely separate occurrence. The incidences aren't related at all. You won't get hurt like last time. Just take it one moment at a time. This doesn't have to be a whole thing right now. You are okay, Seonghwa. _You are okay,_ I say out loud to myself, putting my car into park. 

I grab my phone to let him know I'm here. 

_**3 new message on Grindr** _

_**H J** _

_Is that you bumping the Beyonce?_

_Nice choice in music._

_And nice car!_

There goes my face, doing that blushing thing again. 

_**Hwa** _

_yup!_

_that's me!_

_i can see you reading my messages :P_

I can see him laughing down at his screen and push himself off the wall to start walking. It looks like he looks over at my car. Suddenly, though, he stops in place. 

_I **told** you, Seonghwa. He was just playing you, like they always are... _


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welp... 
> 
> Guess it's not a secret anymore. 
> 
> *shrug*

_Umm... Hi?_ I ask as I tilt my head slightly to the left. I mean, I've had quite a few drinks tonight and am definitely past the stage of just being tipsy, but... I don't think I know this person? 

The other person puts on (possibly) the cutest pout, his eyes and shoulders dropping towards the ground. _Hyung..._

Oh, gosh... Am I supposed to know him?! Kim Hongjoong... you'd better wake up fast and not hurt this cute, **cute** guy's feelings. 

_...you didn't answer my texts..._ he says, keeping his gaze downward. A few moments of silence pass (because I have no idea who this is...). At this point, he starts tugging at his fingers. _You... don't remember me?_ he asks with tears welling at the corners of his eyes, so close to dropping onto his seemingly soft cheeks.

I promise... all the cogs in my brain are turning right now trying to figure out who this is. Well... it's either look like an asshole or look like an asshole, Kim Hongjoong... 

_San..._ Finally, he lifts his head. Phew... less of an asshole now. _Sorry I didn't respond to your texts. I was playing beer pong with my friend and lost track of how many drinks I'd had. I'm honestly really drunk right now... I needed to get home before I got too drunk._ Okay, I didn't lie, but I also didn't really give him a reason as to why I didn't text him back because... I didn't really have one other than I didn't want to? As cute as his pout was, I didn't want to see it on his face again for any reasons related to me... After all, I didn't even know who he was until **just now**.

_Oh... okay, hyung! I was worried you didn't remember who I was. Of course you remember me... silly Sannie!_ He nearly yells, playfully hitting himself on the head. His energy completely changed from just moments ago. He's wearing a bright smile and jumping up and down. 

_heh... cute..._ Oh, gosh, did I say that out loud? 

_What, hyung?_ San asks, leaning in a bit closer. 

_I said, how did you know I live here?_ Nice, nice, Hongjoong. It seems San may be a little drunk himself. Or ditsy... Maybe just ditsy. 

_Hyung! You live here?! Me too! Room 306, you?_ There he goes again, being all cute and jumping up and down. This time, though, his hands on my shoulders. Still yelling, too. Way too loud for how close we are to each other right now. 

Should I tell him where I live? Do I want him to know? He is kinda cute... _Room 516. We're basically neighbors,_ I awkwardly say... Awkward because it's not true. Our apartments weren't close to each other, but you get it. 

_Do you want to come over? Or I could go to your place?_ He's confident at first, taking my hands into his at his first question, then quickly shying away and looking back at the ground after realizing how eager he probably looked. So cute, just like an energetic puppy... 

_Oh, I'm really ti-_

_Hyung..._ he whines, pulling that precious pout out again, this time for cuteness, not to express any sadness. He got really comfortable really fast. He's even calling me hyung. I'm not the friendliest person upon first impressions, so most people at least ask if they can call me hyung, but not this cutie. 

_Maybe next time, San, okay? You know where my apartment is, so stop by any time, okay?_ Oh, Kim Hongjoong? Any time? Yeah, I'm not entirely sure why I offered that to him... maybe it's because he's so cute. 

_Okay, hyung!_ He exclaims, grabbing a hold of my hand as he starts off towards the front door of the apartment complex. Sheeh... talking to this guy is like riding a rollercoaster. Sadness. Happiness. More sadness. Cuteness. Happiness. More happiness. Sadness. Then the most happiness. Definitely woke me up a little bit. 

We get into the elevator together, and I press the the buttons for the third and fifth floor for us. We make some small talk about the party and how we know Mingi and whatever, but it's not long before we reach the third floor. San doesn't move, still holding my hand. 

_San. This is your floor,_ I say, stopping him mid-sentence and practically snapping him out of a trance. 

_I can walk you to your place, hyung,_ he offers.

I step out into the elevator entrance to stop the doors from closing and let go of his hand. _San, go home. I'll see you next time._

_Okay, hyung..._ he hangs his head low again for a moment, before shooting it back up with a bright smile. There goes the rollercoaster again. _Sannie's going home now!_

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. Guess I was feeling a little anxious that he would never go... 

* * *

It's weird (to say the least) to be standing back out here just a few hours after finally meeting San. This time, though, I'm meeting another complete stranger. Hwa. I wonder why that's his profile name on Grindr. Maybe because he's so beautiful that people's only reaction is to say, "Hwa..." How are you already this whipped for a man you've only talked to on Grindr, Kim Hongjoong? Pull it together. This is just another hookup. Nothing more; nothing less. 

At this point, most of the alcohol has worn off. I'm still in my party outfit because I was too lazy to undress when I got back to my place. It's gotten significantly colder than when I walked back home, even though it's only been an hour. Maybe it's just the warmth from my drunk wearing off. I grab the ends of my jacket and pull it closed because my tummy is starting to get cold. Maybe a croptop wasn't the best option, but it's what we got! 

_**hongjoong:** _

_hey_

_i dont want to hear any shit_

_but im going to go hook up with this guy at his place_

_he lives a few miles from my apartment, so hes probably a student here too_

_i shared my location with you_

_if you dont hear from me tomorrow_

_im dead_

_so track my location_

_thanks_

_bye_

I always make sure to text Jongho before I go and hook up with someone at a place that's not my own. He's the most responsible of my friends, so I know he'll come and save me if I need it. Also, he doesn't really judge me for sleeping around. We've done this plenty of times before, so nothing new. 

_**jongho:** _

_gotchu, hyung_

_have fun and be safe ;)_

_wear a condom_

_pls dont kill me_

This little fucker... I still chuckle at his response, pocketing my phone shortly after. I take this time to simply enjoy the night sky. I live on off a pretty busy street, so a lot of cars pass by while I wait for Hwa, but the sound of movement is soothing. In this moment, for some reason, I definitely need that soothing. I'm feeling more anxiety about this hook up compared to any of the ones from my past... Not quite sure why. Every car that passes gives me a slight burst of anxiety, not knowing if it'll be Hwa. 

Something in me, though, says the car with Beyonce loudly playing is Hwa. The windows are tinted, so I can't really see inside, but I just have a feeling; and, before the car comes to a stop, I send Hwa a few messages to confirm. 

_**H J** _

_Is that you bumping the Beyonce?_

_Nice choice in music._

_And nice car!_

I don't even know why I've been texting him so formally... I never text like that. Makes me feel like a snob, but maybe I just don't want him to think I'm a loser? I just have to laugh at myself for how silly I'm being about this all. Seriously, Kim Hongjoong, it's only a hook up. Nothing more; nothing less. 

_**Hwa** _

_yup!_

_that's me!_

_i can see you reading my messages :P_

That last one makes me feel all shy, knowing he can see me before I can see him... Still, a small laugh comes out. Nervous? Excitement? I can't really decide... Aren't they essentially the same? 

I push off the wall I'm standing against and let my jacket fall open, exposing my bare stomach. You'd better bet I'm gonna put on a show as I walk up to his car. I'm definitely trying to mask the insecurity I'm feeling. Definitely not. Deep breaths in; deep breaths out. Through the nose, of course. Can't be looking like a fool heaving and ho'ing while making the short walk to Hwa's car. 

_Only a few more steps, Joong. You got th-_

My mini pep talk is interrupted by an all too familiar shrieking. _HYUUUUUUUUUNG~!_

I stop in place, just to double check who it is; and, yup, I was right. 

Wooyoung comes running up to me, throwing his arms around my shoulders and twirling us around. He's clearly very, **very** drunk... _You left so long ago. Why are you still dressed and out here?_ He's basically yelling, which reminds of my interaction with San. Imagine those two in the same room. Woah. 

_Umm... Uhh... Y'know... Just out getting some fresh air. You headed back to your place now?_ Gosh, Hongjoong, could you be any more obvious that you're **lying** to your best friend? His drunk ass doesn't really pay any attention to the fact I'm slowly pushing him away from me (not that he would have really responded to it if he weren't drunk either...). _Youngie! Personal space._ I just need this to end because what is Hwa going to think? I have this guy wrapped all the way around me right before I'm going to get into his car. Fuck, **fuck**. _Wooyoung. Back up._ I say this time, more stern. 

He finally backs away, his head hung low in apology. _Sorry, hyung... I was actually coming over to see if I could stay at your place tonight. Don't feel like sleeping alone tonight..._

_Aw, Youngie... tonight's, uhh... not gonna be a good night,_ I say and slowly (and awkwardly) point to Hwa's car. 

_Oh. I see you, hyung!!_ He is just like San: a rollercoaster of energy. He's already off, running and giggling. He turns around for a moment. _Have fun, hyung!_

I just turn back to Hwa's car, head still turned downward in embarrassment. Such bad timing, Wooyoung... Should I just turn around and go back to my apartment? _No, Kim Hongjoong! You're only a few steps away at this point. Just go! Think about Hwa's beautiful face and how nice it's going to feel to run your fingers through his hair._

I lift my head back up and straighten out my jacket, making sure to show off my crop top a little bit. _Ah, just the confidence boost I needed._

I reach out to grab the handle to the passenger door, leaving my hand there... heart pounding from nervousness to finally see Hwa.

I finally muster the courage to open the door and meet Hwa, and... 

it's like the world around me froze. The sound of my heart pounding, the cars speeding by, and banter of drunk college students stumbling home... all of it slowly drowning out. The world slowly fades away, and I feel myself being sucked into the openness of the night sky. Just me, Hwa, and the stars. 

_Hey._

_Hi..._


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I mean, he said...

_He said any time, right?_ I attempt to rationalize to myself while standing outside his apartment. I've already tried knocking as if I were a normal person (we all know I'm just **a little** weird), but still no response. I love my sleep and thought I was sluggish after a night of drinking... It's already 12:43 PM, and he's still not awake? 

_Hyung! Open up!_ This time, the knocking is much more intense. Hah! Maybe that will wake him up... 

Moments pass. And keep passing. Still no response. 

_Humph..._ I let out a sigh as my back slides down his door, taking a seat. 

_**~~Sannie~~** _

_hyung_

_hyung_

_HYUNG!!!_

_r u alive?_

_dont tell me u died on me :(_

_i knew i shouldve walked u to ur apartment..._

I stare at my screen for what feels like forever, checking to see if he'll start responding. Nothing. 

Eventually, my screen locks itself. _This hyung... how frustrating!_ I think to myself, stomping my feet and flailing my arms around. 

The slight temper tantrum is suddenly interrupted by the notification sound on my phone going off. He's not dead! Yay! 

I open it, only to find it's not Hongjoong... just a friend sending me a stupid meme. Stupid, but funny... can't say I didn't start laughing. It gets funnier the longer I look at it; and, suddenly, it's like all my frustration at Hongjoong hyung goes away...

Hongjoong hyung. 

Hongjoong hyung.

Hongjoong hyung. 

Wait... I'm mad at him! What the hell! Where is he?! 

_...San...?_


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of the end.

I've been standing here for more than five minutes, my finger just hovering over his name. We've talked over the phone, texted, FaceTimed, even seen each other naked, so many times before, but something about this call in particular seems very high-stakes. Well... not just seems, it is a high-stakes phone call. 

I'm not even entirely sure why I still have his number saved in my phone. 

...and it's not like he's been responding to my calls or texts recently either... 

Okay, he shouldn't be, so it's not fair for me to hold that against him, but it still bothers me. A lot.

The way he acted, he doesn't deserve to know about this; I'm sure he doesn't even want to know. I'm closing out an important chapter of my life, though, and I would prefer the part of my heart he holds be put away with the rest of the memories I have from this chapter. This place, the work, the ups, the downs... Him. It's all been something... positive, negative, or neutral... but it's time to move on.

He made it very clear: I think it's best you take time to work on you, and I take time to work on me. 

At least, that's what I think he said at the end. I got out of his car and slammed the door before he ended his sentence. Immature, I know. I just wasn't ready yet to accept what he was saying. It hurt too much...

and that was the last time I saw him in person. 

* * *

I remember walking with such firm footsteps to the front door of my building, but my hands betraying me, trembling in a mixture of rage, shock, frustration, and sadness. My head held high, but the tears betraying the strength of my fists clenching so tightly onto my phone on one side and my keys on the other, hoping the tension would keep the tears in. 

I slowly reach my shaky hand out to unlock the door to the building, turning my head slightly, a small glint of hope left in the depths of my heart... Maybe he'll take it all back. Maybe this isn't really over? 

In the end, though, it's only me who betrays myself, glancing over my shoulder... only to find his car is already gone. Numbness taking over, I drop the keys to the building, slowly kneeling to pick them back up. My body takes this crouching position as permission to break down, tears freely falling from the corners of my eyes and losing all strength to get back up. _He really meant it, huh? He's... gone, and I didn't even have the decency to say goodbye or let him say his goodbyes..._

I stay like this for a while, my clenched fists resting on one of my knees and against the door.

The time between seeing the empty spot where his car was parked and finding myself on the floor in my living room, hugging myself, is very blurry. I have no recollection of how I got there, what I was thinking about... 

I remember checking my phone, though. Maybe he called me? To take it all back. Maybe he's still outside waiting for me to fight for him, but there's nothing. Not even any unrelated notifications. _That's what you deserve. You deserve to be lonely for the way you treated him. You threw away one of the best things in your life, so you deserve to be alone right now._

Tears still stained my cheeks, and more were still falling. Body still trembling as I pull myself into a seated position and scan the space around me. Everything is just as I left it the night before, and the sun is still shining brightly, but everything feels like it's changed.

Empty. 

Silent. 

Unmoving. 

It was just me. 

As if by instinct, I dial his phone number and call. No response. 

Then another number I have memorized. Maybe a friend? No response. 

Then another. No response. 

_I already told you... you deserve to be alone right now._

I silence that thought and dial another number. My mind is on autopilot; no idea who I was really calling. 

_Hello?_ A familiar voice finally breaks the deafening silence. 

_...San...?_

I wipe away some of the tears and sniffle. More still fall, but... something is better than nothing right now. 

_Hyung, are you... crying? What's wrong?_

_I-_

Silence takes over again... Why did it have to be him to pick up? I've already hurt him so much... Now, this? 

_I... can't do this anymore, San. I can't do it. All of it. I... need to get out._

_Okay, hyung. Okay,_ he affirms me with his soft, sweet tone, low on the other side of the line. He leaves it at that for a few comfortably silent moments, knowing his understanding presence is here, even if only by phone. _Are you safe right now, hyung?_

_Y-yeah... I'm in my apartment, but I don't think I can do this anymore, be here anymore. I... I have to leave. I have to give it all up._

* * *

Lost in the replays of the events from a few days prior, I must not have noticed pressing down on the call button until- 

_Hey. You've reached Seonghwa. I can't take your call right now, but I'll call you back!_

He's probably at the restaurant right now. He usually works on Fridays until closing. 

_Hey,_ I start, slightly glad it's his voicemail. I'm not entirely sure I would be able to speak directly to him right now. _Call me back when you get this._


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are so... hard right now... because they're so intense.

Unlike Joong, doing well at school isn't something that comes naturally to me. By the time finals comes around, I already had my study guides compiled from materials I've created throughout the semester and a study schedule for the off-week between classes and actual finals. All my finals were on the first two days of the two-week testing period. As if that isn't stressful enough, they're all tests. I would much prefer essays because then I can spend an unlimited amount of time on them... but, **no** , the universe just won't let me have an easy end to my college career. Oh, well. At least I have a plan, and it's worked plenty of times before. 

Joong and I agreed not to meet up during finals, mostly because it probably would've stressed me out. He can be kinda undisciplined with his studies; he cares much more about his career, which he's already started. He's been working a full-time office job since the start of our final year of college and taking a lighter class load instead. He only has one final that's a test. His other two are take-home finals, so I already know he would probably just want to mess around all the way up until the essays are due... and **then** start working on them. He's still going to do well, and that's so irritating, but more so impressive. 

...we didn't make any rules about FaceTiming, though... 

Even though we've spent so many hours together nearly every day, I'm still not tired of seeing his eyes turn into mini crescents whenever he chuckles or his perfect, perfect teeth when he smiles. For as scary as he looks when he's not smiling, he's actually just a lil cutie, and he fluidly switches between being a teasing punk and a softie quite often. Makes it hard to stay away from him for too long. 

I'm not proud to say, but... we've FaceTimed every day since classes ended. For basically the whole day each time. Surprisingly, Joong has been pretty good about letting me focus on studying, even though I know he's literally doing nothing on his end of the call. 

* * *

_**Joong** _

_Hyung, isn't it a little early for you to be done studying? Your schedule says you should be studying until 10:30 PM. It's only 10..._

**_Hwa_ **

_Ya... why do you have my schedule memorized?_

**_Joong_ **

_We've literally spent the past four days together... Like, the entire day._

**_Hwa_ **

_Oh, yeah... Well, I'm a little ahead of my study schedule for my final on Tuesday, so I'm taking a little break. I'm just waiting for my friend who lives down the hall; we're gonna go get some snacks before going back to studying._

**_Joong_ **

_Ohhhhh, I see... you have time to hang out with your other friends, but not me? Got it, got it._

I can't help but snicker at him getting jealous over something so trivial. Again, we've literally spent all day together for the past four days. How much more attention could he need? 

_**Hwa** _

_It's only going to take, like, 10 minutes, max. Plus, he's not constantly trying to distract me by putting his hands on me every 5 seconds when we hang out._

There's his signature pout as he sighs, too loudly just to make sure I notice. 

_**Joong** _

_...I can't help it... Would you prefer I don't touch you at all?!_

Now he's getting mad. Play mad, which makes it so cute because he's just so small... Mad doesn't really fit him well. 

I just chuckle and shake my head at him, letting the comfortable silence settle back in. 

_**Hwa** _

_What are you doing anyways? Don't you have a final due tomorrow?_

**_Joong_ **

_Yeah, I'm such an idiot. I just opened the assignment, like, five minutes ago. Didn't realize I have to write a 15 page essay..._

**_Hwa_ **

_Joong! What?! How are you going to finish it in one night? It's already 10 PM!_

**_Joong_ **

_Hyung... stop yelling... it's stressing me out even more..._

He looks so small right now, biting his bottom lip in nervousness. 

_**Hwa** _

_Sorry, Joongie... You know I just worry about you..._

**_Joong_ **

_...I know... but, luckily, I already wrote about a similar topic in one of my classes last year, so I have most of the research already done. I just have to write it! And, unlike you, I don't take forever to write things._

From softie to teasing punk. 

_**Hwa** _

_Fine, fine... Don't let me distract you!_

Obviously, I don't hang up. I just sit at stare at my screen and admire his facial expression as it quickly changes from giddy laughter to serious concentration in a matter of moments. He really does know how to put his head down and work when it comes down to the wire. It's just all the time before the final few moments where he likes to play around. 

I can't help but chuckle to myself, thinking about how ridiculous he is to be leaving a 15 page essay until the night before... How even... I could never... 

_**Joong** _

_Hyung! You said you weren't going to distract me!_

Ouch. He's yelling right into my ears through my headphones. 

_**Hwa** _

_What? I didn't even say anything!_

I yell right back at him.

_**Joong** _

_You're laughing, and you're too cute when you laugh... it's distracting... also, I told you to stop yelling at me..._

This guy... I don't respond, knowing that will annoy him even more. I have to admit... seeing him like this is kinda fun. 

_**Hwa** _

_Kim Hongjoong... do you like me?_

There's a long pause, even though I can see him looking right at me on his phone screen. 

_**Joong** _

_Hyung, do we... really have to do this right now? You know I'm really busy... 15 pages, remember?_

But weren't you the one who just initiated the last part of the conversation? It's been a few weeks since we first me, and we've been hanging out with each other near every day since then. If we weren't hanging out, we were texting. It's been hard for me to think about much else than him, and he's shared similar sentiments. Not once, though, have we talked about where we're taking this relationship. For all I know, we're just really good friends who flirt with each other sometimes. 

I know I'm scared because we're both about to graduate. He's got his post-graduation plans, and I'm still figuring mine out. There's a good chance that this will all be over once we graduate. That reality isn't desirable, but it's likely going to be true. I still want to know, though... for whatever time we have left together. 

_**Hwa** _

_Oh, yeah... Don't let me distract you. Good night. Make sure to get your work done._

Something inside me gets upset about the fact that he couldn't just give me a simple answer to my question. I know it's not a simple situation. We've really gotten close over the past few weeks, and that's all about to come tumbling down... but still. 

The light knocks on my door pull me out of my thoughts. 

_Hey, sorry.. I suddenly just got really tired. I think I'm just gonna call it a night for now. Snacks on me next time, okay?_ I tell my friend, feeling genuinely sorry, but I don't want to bring him down with my energy when he still has a lot of studying to do. 

_No problem, hyung! Hit me up tomorrow if you want to study together!_ Oddly energetic for how late it is during study week... 

A slight nod and a quick good night before shutting the door. 

I wasn't lying when I said I was going to call it a night. I crawl into bed, patting the spot next to me to let Cutie know he can come cuddle. With all the thoughts floating around in my mind, I forcefully close my eyes and take a few deep breaths in, the muscles in my face slowly softening with each breath. The thoughts slowly fade into the distance, sleep slowly creeping in. 

* * *

There goes that "there's a murderer in my apartment" fear waking me up again. Not Cutie this time, but my phone, which I didn't realize was in my hand when I fell asleep. Maybe I was hoping Hongjoong would call me back... 

My phone vibrates more than once, which lets me know it's not just a text, so I pull it up to my face to see who it is: Joong. 

I hesitate for a moment before picking it up. 

_**Hwa** _

_Hey._

**_Joong_ **

_Hyung, were you sleeping?_

**_Hwa_ **

_Trying to..._

**_Joong_ **

_Oh, sorry..._

There's a long pause. 

_**Hwa** _

_Joong... I'm really tired... did you need something?_

I ask softly. I know I'm upset with him, but it's not necessarily his fault, so I don't want to make him feel bad. It's just the situation we've put ourselves in. 

_**Joong** _

_But didn't you say you were going to study more? What about your friend?_

**_Hwa_ **

_Joong. I said I'm tired._

**_Joong_ **

_Oh, okay. I just wanted to call back and say... I'm sorry..._

Well... so much for not making him feel bad. Way to go, Seonghwa. 

**_Hwa_ **

_It's fine, Joong, rea-_

**_Joong_ **

_Can I?_

I just give him a soft hum as affirmation, eyes closing in slight anxiety about what he's going to say. 

_**Joong** _

_I wanted to say sorry because I wasn't paying attention to your emotions and what you needed. I know this is important to you; it's important to me to. I just think we need more time to talk about it than what I have right now. I don't want to rush this discussion and then mess it up because I'm stressed about my final._

Another moment of silence, not wanting to interrupt him again before he's done. 

_**Joong** _

_Maybe we can talk about it tomorrow?_

**_Hwa_ **

_Thanks, Hongjoong... We can talk tomorrow. Have a good night, okay?_

My voice comes out soft and sincere to match the sincerity in his apology. He really does know what to say to deescalate me when I'm feeling a lot of emotions. 

_**Joong** _

_Thanks.. you too, hyung._

I stay on the line, not really knowing why. There's nothing left to be said tonight, but knowing he's still there brings a comfortable peace. I fall asleep with him silently on the other end of the line.

* * *

The vibrations from my phone wake me up again; but, this time, it's morning, at least I think so based on how much sunlight is pouring in through my windows... Screwing my eyes shut to protect them from the sunlight, I answer the phone call without even checking who it is, groaning at the fact that a phone call woke me up and not my alarm. 

_**Hwa** _

_...hello?_

I ask, my voice still thick with sleep. 

_**Joong** _

_Oh... hi, hyung. Are you... awake? I thought you'd still be asleep. You're not usually awake at this time..._

I open my eyes to check the time... 7:05 AM. Joong is probably on his way to the bus stop, so he can get to work. 

_**Joong** _

_Hyung, you can go back to sleep. I'm gonna call you back. Just send me to voicemail, okay?_

Still half asleep, I just agree, hanging up the phone without thinking twice. 

Just like he said, he calls again, but I immediately reject the call this time to send him to voicemail. 

As my mind slowly wakes up, hundreds of thoughts start flying around. Why is he calling me? How come he didn't just want to talk to me? What if he's going to tell me this is over? Did I mess it all up? Why did I do that last night? 

I lay, staring up at the ceiling, until another notification comes through for his voicemail. 

_**1 new voicemail** _

_**Joong** _

_1:43_

My finger hovers over the notification, unsure if I want to listen to it, convincing myself Hongjoong wants to end the relationship. 

_Good morning, hyung._ His soft voice soothing almost all the anxieties away. 

_Just wanted to call and say good morning and to see if you were doing better... I really am sorry about last night. I had a lot of work to do, and all of it is still not done yet, but I should have been more understanding of you..._

_I didn't really sleep last night... for a number of reasons... but I wanted to say a few things to you this morning:_

_I've never felt so compelled to be in someone's presence before, even if it's just over the phone or FaceTime. I get so giddy whenever I see or hear you. Whenever I find myself needing that kind of energy, I close my eyes, and I can see your smile again... and everything feels a lot better._

_Things are so... hard right now... because they're so intense. I've never pushed and pulled so much at the same time._

_Remember when you told me that vulnerability is a strength? Well... if you need me to stop calling, texting, and seeing you so often... I can try..._

_Hope you have a good rest of your day... or at least try, okay?_

_Call me when you get this..._

Crushed. 

That's the only word I have to describe how I'm feeling right now... 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully you've figured out by now that the story is asynchronous... 
> 
> I'm trying to leave little hints in each chapter to help you connect the dots a little better. 
> 
> I promise it'll all come together as the chapters go on!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What are you doing here?

That's the only word I have to describe how I feel right now... 

Confused?

I may have been drunk, but I **know** that fucker went to go hook up with a mans last night. What kind of **best friend** ghosts you because they're having sex?! I don't care how mindblowing the sex is... 

I've definitely sent Hongjoong hyung more than 20 texts since I woke up this morning... I typically don't call him the morning after because I know he's still basically a sex-crazed teen, so he has a history of initiating morning sex. Yeah... you don't want to know why I know that... but I do know he usually tells Jongho where he's at. 

_**Wooyoung** _

_jongho-yah_

_did hongjoong hyung tell u where he was going last night_

_he said he was gonna get the d_

**_Jongho_ **

_So why are you asking me where he is?_

_I just checked his location_

_Looks like he's probably still at the guy's place_

**_Wooyoung_ **

_wtf_

_u have his location?_

_ur not even his best friend..._

**_Jongho_ **

_I'm the responsible one_

_But why are you asking?_

**_Wooyoung_ **

_idk_

_he hasn't been responding to my texts_

**_Jongho_ **

_..._

_Maybe because he's still at the guy's place...?_

**_Wooyoung_ **

_too logical_

* * *

I'm not actually worried. It's just... I've been having a tough time being alone lately, and Hongjoong hyung has been a great support for me, since we became friends and particularly right now. I mean, I have all the other guys, too, but they all got into relationships recently, so they're all busy doing that. Not blaming them; I totally understand the whole honeymoon thing. It's just made it hard for me to find time to be really open with them about how I'm feeling... and there are a lot of feelings. 

_**Jongho** _

_Oh, looks like he's on his way home now._

**_Wooyoung_ **

_lit_

_im heading over there now_

**_Jongho_ **

_But he's not even there yet...?_

**_Wooyoung_ **

_i have keys to his apartment_

_who's the best friend now?_

**_Jongho_ **

_Yeah... I don't know what Hongjoong hyung was thinking when he gave you keys..._

_You're the last person I would want to surprise me in my apartment..._

**_Wooyoung_ **

_whats that supposed to mean?!_

**_Jongho_ **

_I said what I said._

**_Wooyoung_ **

_u kno u love me_

**_Jongho_ **

_Whatever you say, hyung._

I take my time getting ready because, as much as I hate to admit it, Jongho was right... hyung isn't even home yet, so there's no rush. I try not to use my keys to get into his place because, again, Jongho is right: I don't want hyung to get mad and take them away. It's not like I really have an agenda for going over to Hongjoong hyung's place. We usually never do when we hang out, so I just throw on an oversized hoodie and some skinny jeans. This outfit seems pretty versatile for whatever we decide to do... but I spend more time on my hair and makeup. Might as well look pretty because you never know who you'll run into on campus!

Finally satisfied, I make my way over to Hongjoong hyung's apartment. He doesn't live too far away. Maybe a 6 minute walk away? With my headphones in, I'm there before I even know it! 

Jongho mentioned Hongjoong hyung was on his way home around noon, so he should be back by now. It took me almost 40 minutes to get ready. I may or may not have had a second lunch while I was getting ready... oops.

I usually open the main door to his apartment complex because it's easier for both of us since he won't have to come down to let me in. I look down at my phone just to double check if he responded to one of my million texts for this morning. No response. 

_12:43 PM? Oh, he's definitely back by now..._ I think to myself. 

Stepping out of the elevator onto the fifth floor, I pull out my headphones and tuck them away into my hoodie pocket. I check one last time to see if he's responded as I turn the corner toward his apartment, even though it's been less than a minute since I last checked. Still looking down as I approach his front door, I nearly trip on something... 

_...San...?_

Why was he sitting outside of Hongjoong hyung's apartment? Was he the hyung's dick appointment last night? They didn't even talk at Mingi's party... 

He had a pout on his face, arms crossed across his chest, but then he looks up at me. _Hi!_ A smile now stretching across his face, prominent dimples making an appearance. He quickly makes his way to his feet to which I take a small step backwards so he doesn't smash the top of his head into my face. _Umm... who... are you?_ His bright smile doesn't leave his face, but he tilts his head slightly in confusion. 

That would make sense that he has no idea who I am... We've never met before. I've only watched him make out with my best friend and, well, texted him from Hongjoong hyung's phone last night. 

_Oh, my name is Wooyoung!_ I smile back at him, sheepishly and dropping my gaze slightly. _I'm Hongjoong's best friend._

_Beer pong partner!_ San basically yells in response. Not quite sure why he's talking so loudly... we're literally only a few inches away from each other and the only people in the hallway. _I saw you playing beer pong with hyung last night before he left the party._

He's already calling Hongjoong "hyung"? Seems odd... Hongjoong didn't even know what he looked like the last time I checked. Unless they really did hook up last night, but it doesn't really add up since Jongho said Hongjoong hyung was at the guy's place up until a little under an hour ago, so... _What are you doing here, San?_

_Hyung told me I could come over at any time!_ Again... strange. Not much is making sense right now. _But he hasn't been answering me all morning... I texted him a bunch this morning and have been knocking for the past few minutes... nothing,_ that explains the pout. _Do you know where he is?_

So... how do I politely ask someone if they hooked up with my best friend last night? _He hasn't been answering me either... but my friend told me he was coming back to his apartment not too long ago. He should be here by now..._ _Did you... see him last night?_ Okay, that's not terribly straightforward, but still gets to what I want to ask. 

_Only for a little bit. I live downstairs, so I ran into him when I came home from Mingi's party!_

_Oh, lemme call him real quick._

_...I already tried that..._ San starts pouting again, sliding back down to the floor. What's up with this guy? One moment he's up; the next, he's down. Gotta admit, though, pouting or smiling, he's quite the cutie. 

The phone rings a few times before... 

**_Hongjoong_ **

_Youngie, don't worry. I'm not dead._

Before I can respond, San jumps up and snatches my phone out of my hands. 

_**San** _

_Yah! Hyung! How come you can answer Wooyoung's calls, but not mine?!_

After fighting San for my phone back, his pout deepens. _Don't worry, I'm just gonna put him on speaker, so we can both talk at the same time... geez..._ I chuckle at his childish behavior. 

_**Hongjoong** _

_Are you... with San right now, Youngie?_

**_Wooyoung_ **

_Yeah, I ran into him outside your apartment. He was waiting for you._

**_San_ **

_Yeah! I've been texting and calling you all morning, but you never answered! So I came knocking on your door. If you say you're in there, I'm gonna be really mad, hyung!_

**_Hongjoong_ **

_Sorry, San. I had my phone on Do Not Disturb since last night. Been kinda busy..._

_Yeah, getting dicked down_... I think to myself.

_**San** _

_Then how come you knew Wooyoung was calling you, huh?_

Am I Hongjoong hyung's best friend or is San his best friend? I can't really tell based on how this conversation is going... 

_**Hongjoong** _

_I have my settings so Wooyoung's calls and texts come through, even though my phone is on Do Not Disturb, just in case of emergencies. He has those a lot..._

**_Wooyoung_ **

_Hyung! What the fuck! I'm touched, but you don't have to tell San that..._

I'm not even sure why I'm so embarrassed that Hongjoong hyung said that in front of San. Who cares if San knows that? We're not even friends. We literally just met, but San doesn't really seem to mind, already back to yelling at Hongjoong hyung.

_**San** _

_You let Wooyoung's calls and texts through, but not mine?! Hyu~ng..._

The way San switches between yelling and whining like a child really throws me off... like, how?

_**Hongjoong** _

_San... we just met? I haven't even had time to change my settings if I wanted to..._

**_San_ **

_Oh... yeah. Silly Sannie!_

He's still in whiny mode, but hitting himself in the head this time. Instinctively, I reach out my free hand to stop him from doing so. He opens his eyes to meet mine, his eyes widening in confusion. Not entirely sure why I did that or what to say now, we just stand there in silence, my hand still on his. 

The awkward moment breaks when Hongjoong hyung responds.

_**Hongjoong** _

_But why are you both at my apartment when I'm not there?_

**_Wooyoung_ **

_What? Jongho said you were on your way back almost an hour ago!_

**_Hongjoong_ **

_I never told him that...?_

**_Wooyoung_ **

_He checked your location. Remember, you share it with him when you... you know..._

Suddenly feeling shy and wanting to protect San for some reason, I can't get myself to say "hook up with random mens" out loud. San looks at me as if to ask what I meant, but I softly wave a hand at him to tell him it's not important.

_**Hongjoong** _

_Oh, yeah... Well, I probably won't be back for another few hours..._

**_San_ **

_But you said ANY TIME, hyung!_

Oh gosh, there's the yelling again. Right in my ear. In an otherwise silent hallway.

_**Hongjoong** _

_I know, San. I know, but I'm... a little busy right now._

**_Wooyoung_ **

_Doing what, hyung?! Too busy for your best friend?_

Instead of a response from Hongjoong, an unknown voice speaks up and says

_**unknown** _

_He'll call you back when he's back at his apartment. Promise he'll get there safely. Bye bye!_

and then the call ends.

_Who was that, Wooyoung?_ San asks me the question I was asking myself... 

_No clue._

_Well... Do you want to spend the rest of the day with me instead?_


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was... nice.

I open my eyes way earlier than usual today. I forgot to shut my curtains last night, so all the light from the sunrise hits directly onto my bed. It's a pleasant way to wake up in the morning... if I plan to wake up this early, which is hardly ever the case. I mean, come on... 7:05 AM is **too** early to be waking up on any day, but especially on a Saturday. During a break. 

Oh, yeah. Did I mention I have a stranger in my bed?

...at least I know his name now...

and he looks very asleep right now, yet somehow so graceful? Even my dog has found peace in his presence. Usually, he hates when I have other people in the bed and opts for sleeping on the floor, only after having barked at them for a while; but, today, he's cuddled right up in between our bodies. 

I, on the other hand, stumble out of bed, my leg getting caught in my blanket. Catching myself from falling on my face, I find my balance thanks to the support of the wall and making a not-so-quiet thud. I quickly turn to check and see if I've woken them up, only to find my dog's eyes looking back at me for a brief moment and then quickly finding himself back asleep. The guy, though, shuffles slightly in his sleep and scratches his nose, but doesn't seem to wake up. 

_Phew... I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to engage with him yet after how last night went,_ I think to myself, thanking the universe for this one moment of lenience. 

Looking down at myself, I'm not so shocked to see I'm only in my briefs. Hey, at least I had the decency to put **something** before falling asleep... I check to see the status of the sleeping man in my bed. He's topless, too, and that puts me into a panic, as if we hadn't been naked only a few hours before. Luckily, my hoodie is easily visible in the mess of my blankets, so I quickly pull it over my bare chest, not really bothering for pants. I still myself to do a quick body scan (admittedly, with a lot of difficulty... lots of thoughts whirling around from last night). 

Water... Definitely need water. I pad over towards the door to my bedroom, not wanting to disturb the otherwise peaceful aura in my room. 

_Nice, Seonghwa, no blunders,_ I praise myself for making it out without any disasters. Truly a rarity. 

After grabbing a glass of water, I snatch a pack of cigarettes (a bad habit, I know) and the lighter that are on my breakfast bar and walk out to my balcony. If I'm awake this early, I might as well enjoy it. 

As much as I complain about it, the morning sun directly on my skin without a glass barrier is so empowering. I gently close my eyes and take a deep breath in, feeling the fresh air tickle through my nostrils and calmly travel to fill my lungs, only to let out a heavy sigh. My shoulders immediately relax, and the tension I didn't know I was holding in my face fades. Even if for just a moment, my body and mind find peace. It's been a while since I've done this in the morning; usually, they're late night sessions out on the balcony. 

I take in a large gulp of water before placing a cigarette between my lips, leaning over the banister of my balcony to light it. 

I let my mind wander freely to wherever it wants to go, not getting stuck on any one thought for too long. There's a lot of uncertainty in my life right now, so there's no shortage of thoughts. 

> _There are only a few weeks left before graduation, and I still haven't figured out what I'm going to do._
> 
> _What kind of job do I want?_
> 
> _Where do I want to live?_
> 
> _Will I move back home if I don't find a job or will I stay here and work at the restaurant?_
> 
> _What are my parents going to think if I don't have a job by the time I graduate?_
> 
> _What do you want from life, Seonghwa?_
> 
> _Am I doing enough?_
> 
> _Am I enough?_

In the swirl of uncertain thoughts, there was one for which there were no questions, just a statement: 

_Last night was not like any of my other hookups._

I just let that thought sit for a while, my eyes unfocused on the open, blue sky as the sun starts to occupy it more and more. The thought takes up so much space that no other thoughts are able to find their way into my mind. Just him. With each puff of smoke, I try to let the thought go, just like all the other ones, but it keeps coming back. 

_Last night was not like any of my other hookups,_ I softly say to myself before turning around and putting my cigarette out in the ash tray. 

I pull open the balcony door, still in a pensive state, only to find the man who was sleeping in my bed now on my couch. He catches me by surprise, as much as the fact that my dog has grown a liking to this man does. 

_Oh... you're awake,_ slightly surprised, slightly pleased. 

_Duh,_ ouch, but he's chuckling teasingly. _Cutie here wanted something to eat, so he woke me up,_ he says, gently petting Cutie's head and cooing at him like one would a child. 

_Sorry,_ apologizing for interrupting his sleep. _You really got comfortable fast, huh?_ My turn to tease. He's basically best friends with my dog now, and he's still wrapped in my blanket, presumably naked otherwise. I take a seat across from him, still unsure how I feel about what happened last night.

_I mean, can you blame me? Who could resist you, cutie?_

I chuckle in response. Gosh, how can someone be so comfortable being so forward? 

_You thought I was talking about you? I literally meant Cutie. Who could resist you, Cutie?_ He repeats his question, sticking his tongue out at me and pulling Cutie into the actual blanket. He puts up no resistance, which is surprising. This guy is coddling my dog like he's a baby, and it's somehow so endearing. 

I can't help but smile fondly at them... a memory popping into my mind. _You know..._

He meets my gaze, still giving Cutie plenty of attention, though. 

_I saw you in my dream last night._

_Oh? Say more..._

_You were glowing,_ at this point, I'm not really sure what I'm saying or why I'm sharing this. 

_You sure you didn't just witness the post-sex glow on me before going to sleep?_ Gosh, the way he chuckles is so enticing, soft and playful. Cutie finally jumps out of his arms, and he pulls the edges of the blankets closer to his body, a bundle of cuteness. 

Side-stepping his comment, I let another thought fall out of my mouth without thinking, _Look at you now,_ motioning to the balcony door, sunlight pouring into my apartment. The rays of sun reflect off my blanket encapsulating him, radiating a white glowing aura. 

He keeps his head tilted toward the balcony door and sun, a small smile creeping onto his face.

Something about this image is so calming... nostalgic, even. I sit and admire... falling into a dream-like trance. 

_You were much better at complimenting me over text, you know..._

I huff in play frustration and offense, stomping over to where he's seated. _Gimme some,_ I say as I grasp at one of the edges of my blanket that's wrapped around this precious man. My hands land dangerously close to where his, tugging playfully as I throw my body into a laying position. _I'm cold and still tired... didn't sleep much last night,_ I whine and shut my eyes. 

Without hesitation, he loosens his hold on the blanket and allows me to wrap it over one of my shoulders. He shifts his body, though, in a way that shouldn't surprise me, but does. He's laying behind me now, body morphing to match the shape of mine. Our bodies don't touch, though, with the blanket creating a barrier between the two of us. He's on top of the blanket, and I'm underneath it. _What do you mean,_ he questions while snaking an arm around my waist. _You went straight to sleep after we got out of the shower. You didn't even give me a kiss goodnight, even though you promised you would... punk._ He thuds his forehead against my shoulder to punctuate the word "punk."

_How could I resist,_ I push back into him as payback. I don't know much about this guy, but I do know I'm physically larger than him, which is affirmed by the way he lets out a little whine and struggles to create space between our bodies. I eventually let up, feeling his palms press against my back. _It felt like... you were... moving my energy around with your fingertips,_ a pause here, again, not entirely sure what or why I'm sharing this with him, suddenly remembering the touch of his lips against mine, the slapping of our skin as I pushed into him, the gentle grasp of my arms in the shower as I ran my fingers through his hair, the light brush of our fingertips when I handed him a glass of water after our first round... Each igniting a different spark, but a spark nonetheless. As we settled into bed after getting out of the shower, I lay with my back facing him, not certain about how I was feeling about the whole experience. He lay there, though, gently tracing the outline of my side. From the shell of my ear, playing lightly with my earlobe... down the column of my neck, starting down my shoulder to my elbow... touching just above my hip all the way down to my mid-thigh... and all the way up again, his touch light, but noticeable the whole way through. _It was... nice,_ I finally say after the silence. 

He slowly begins to retract his arm from my waist in response. 

Instinctively, I place my hand on top of his, feeling him relax back into place. I pull us both into a seated position. We struggle for a bit to get this whole blanket situation figured out, finally getting both of us onto the same side of the blanket with it draped over our shoulders. He's seated behind me with a leg on either side of mine. He giggles lightly, presumably because he's the smaller of the two of us and finds the position comical, but places his chin in the crook of my neck and comfortably wraps both arms this time around my waist. 

We sit in silence for a little bit before I offer a thought, _You know, everything has energy, right? Everything's vibrating on its own wavelength, like this table. Even though it doesn't look like it's moving, it's vibrating in time with its energy._

He hums in response, feeling the sensation at the point where his throat meets my shoulder, otherwise letting the silence settle back in. 

I grab for the pack of cigarettes again and place one in my mouth before lighting it. Turning my head in the opposite direction of where he's leaning into me, I release a puff of smoke, not wanting to blow it right into his face. _What, you don't believe me?_

_No, just thinking,_ he says and lets out a deep sigh. 

I turn my head to look at him, again holding my cigarette in the opposite direction. He's wearing a relaxed, yet pensive look on his face. I wonder what he's thinking about... 

_Did you see anything else in your dream?_

Now, it's me who hums in response, feeling him push his chest closer to my back as I replay my dream back in my head. _You're going to go on a trip in the near future, and you're going to meet someone, Hongjoong._

No response this time, other than feeling his fingertips grazing lightly along my sides again, which pushes me to gently close my eyes and take in a deep breath, no smoke, just the air from this moment. 

Opening my eyes, I can feel his gaze on me and turn my head slightly, only to find I was right. There's a moment of shock as our eyes meet. Unsure of what to do or say, I give him a quick peck on the lips before standing up. _Do you remember where I put my phone last night? I didn't see it when I got up..._

His gaze is turned downward as he traces one of his thin fingers along his bottom lip, almost in a daze. _Umm... you plugged it in to charge before we got in the shower,_ he weakly lifts his arm and points towards my bedroom, his eyes still on the table in front of him. _Above your bed, next to the picture of you and your mom and sister. On top of your wallet._

More so puzzled by how he knows all these details about my life than why he remembers, I slowly make my way to my bedroom. Surely enough, plugged into a charger, above my bed, next to the picture of me, my mom, and sister, and on top of my wallet sits my phone. A small smirk creeps onto my face, and I let out a small chuckle, mostly impressed that he was right. I unlock my phone to check the notifications that came through since last night. Admittedly, I hadn't looked at my phone once since Hongjoong opened the door to my car last night. A bunch of useless social media notifications, a few more messages from Grindr, and- 

_Hey! Can you bring me my phone, too? Thanks!_

This is the loudest it's been since I woke up this morning.

I scan around my bed to find his phone, not seeing it anywhere. I walk over to where his pants are, checking each of his pockets. _Ah! Here it is,_ I say to myself, feeling a sense of accomplishment. I walk back towards the living room, both phones in tow. 

I hand him his phone, and he immediately starts texting away. I let him catch up with his life as I look back at my phone, checking a message from my manager. Shoot. Hey, _so I have to go work work for a little bit to do some things I forgot about... and...._

He looks up from his phone, slightly confused, but then smiles. _Okay,_ he offers lightly and without judgement. 

_Well... do you want to spend the rest of the day with me instead..._

Seonghwa... what? 

_...of having to do it alone? Should take less than an hour... or I could just tak-_

_Sure! We're on break anyway, so I don't really have anything planned,_ he places his phone down next to him and flashes me a bright smile, giving me his full attention now. _But, I need to call my best friend really quick... he thinks I'm dead since I haven't been responding to his texts and calls._

_Oh,_ is about as much as I can say, still in shock that he agreed to spend the day with me. _Yeah... yeah, that's fine. I'm just gonna go get ready really quick._

Confused at myself for what just happened, I wander over to my bathroom to quickly wash up. Drying my face after splashing some water onto it, I look up at myself in the mirror. _Seonghwa, what are you doing?_ I ask my reflection. Uncertain about my answer to my own question, I'm reminded there's one thing I am certain of: Last night was not like any of my other hookups. 

I enter the living room after having thrown on some comfortable jeans, opting to stay in the hoodie I picked off the floor this morning. Hongjoong is still on the phone. His facial expressions alternate between frustration, disappointment, and joy, and I witness each emotion multiple times in his conversation. There seems to be a lot of yelling from whoever's on the other side of the phone, but Hongjoong remains pretty calm. Eventually, it seems like the conversation is going in circles based on how many times Hongjoong mentions he's still busy. 

I pluck the phone out of his hands, earning me a shocked expression from the man, but he doesn't seem to protest too much. _He'll call you back when he's back at his apartment. Promise he'll get there safely. Bye bye!_ I promptly hang up before any more yelling comes through the phone and hand it back to him. 

Shock is still written all over his face before he just laughs. _Thanks._

_Yeah..._ I offer him an embarrassed smile while looking away from him. _Now go get ready. Gotta be at work soon._

He nods as he rises to his feet, padding softly towards my bedroom where his clothes are. 

_Oh! Grab my portable battery too since your phone is almost dead. It's by th-_

_I know where it is! Can I borrow a sweater? Don't feel like wearing my croptop out again today..._

My mind flashes an image of how hot Hongjoong looked as he approached my car last night. 

A call from my bedroom brings me back to reality. _Hyung?_

Hyung? Why... How... You know what, we'll think about that later. _Uh... oh, yeah. Just grab one from my closet. Doesn't matter._

He comes back out, wearing a sweater which is way too big for him, the sleeves ending way past the ends of his fingertips. He's practically flailing his arms around, laughing at how the sleeves flop from side to side. _Comfy!_

_Cute,_ is all I can say in response. 

_I'm all ready!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a really tough time writing this chapter for some reason... 
> 
> I'm curious to know what y'all are thinking about the story so far. It's a lot longer than I thought it was going to be, so... I don't know if it's all making sense.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have so many feelings for you.

I've been here before, my hand resting on the handle to the passenger side of the car. Instead of staring at my reflection in his tinted windows, though, I'm staring into his eyes, and a familiar comfort settles in as his soft voice rings in my ears, a voice I haven't heard in weeks, a voice barely audible in the buzz of the night. 

_Hey,_ is all he says. 

I've been here before, sitting in his car as if we're the only two people in the world, encapsulated in a serene peace.

This time... this time, though, is different. 

Instead of 

grabbing my hand into his, strumming his thumb over mine with his eyes trained on the road ahead of us, 

his hands are tightly wrapped around the steering wheel, his eyes stealing glances over at me without saying a word;

a flowing conversation composed of fluid thoughts from both ends, no judgement, 

we speak in awkward formalities, _How have you been? Are you hungry? Good. No._

a comfortable silence padding the lulls in the conversation or in between songs, 

a wordless tension occupies the space between us

because, in this car, we're further apart than all the miles and hours,

and all my anxieties become truths.

* * *

Being pushed into the familiarity of his bed and blankets and his lips against mine erase the worries from my mind, and my body melds into his, relishing in the sensations I've longed for these past few weeks. I shut my eyes as the kiss deepens, shutting out the voices in my head which encourage me to talk **before** the kissing and sex. 

Things are more aggressive than usual, him pulling off my shirt before we even have our shoes off and ignoring the small pushes of my fists against his chest, wordlessly asking him to stop as the voices in my head are getting too loud to ignore. Soon, he's kissing down my chest and fumbling with the button to my jeans, something in his actions so... primal. As if he's fighting back his own emotions and thoughts. Before he can pull of my pants, I cup both sides of his face in my hand, forcing his gaze up to meet mine. 

_Hey,_ I say gently, slightly out of breath. _Stop._

He drops his head out of my hands, letting out a labored sigh, moving his hands from my waist to either side of my head. Our faces are so close now, but his eyes are anywhere but where mine are. Eventually, he pushes himself up, still fully clothed, and grabs for the pack of cigarettes on his nightstand. He turns his back to me as he lights one in his mouth, which isn't unusual since he knows I don't like the concept of smoking; but, this time, he never turns back around. He just stands there, smoking while facing his bedroom door. 

I make my way to my feet, pulling my shirt back over my head. _Hey,_ I say again. _It's not that I don't want to have sex with you,_ placing my hand on his shoulder and then gently dragging it down his back. I switch from a rubbing motion to a light scratching, my hands turning into a claw-like shape, and it's at this sensation that his finally relaxes, even if just a slight bit. _I just think we should probably talk first, no?_

He offers no response for a long while, just puffs of smoke. 

Slowly, he turns around, letting my hand fall off his body and back to my side. In the rush of things, we hadn't turned on any lights, the only lighting offered by the candles lit on his nightstand and windowsill. For the first time since he pulled up in his car, we make eye contact, and his eyes are watery. And, finally, he says more than just one word for the first time tonight. 

_Do you like me, Kim Hongjoong?_

The question knocking the air out of my lungs, I instinctively move forward to run my fingers through his hair, but watch him flinch away in response. Instead, I opt for sitting back down on his bed, fingers pulling and replacing the rings I'm wearing. _Hwa, why are you asking? Of course._

As if he expected that response, he just moves on to his next question: _How do you know?_

Now, the anxiety is becoming too overwhelming, and looking at the tears well up in his eyes is too much. I look down at my hands in my lap, taking in a deep breath, feeling like I know where this is heading. After what feels like forever passes in complete silence, I look back up, looking back into his eyes, slightly reddened as some of the tears have clearly fallen in those moments. 

It's my turn to let out a heavy sigh before responding, _Do you remember the morning after the night we met?_

He offers a wordless nod.

_We were driving up this street to the restaurant after having gone shopping for the supplies you needed,_ saying these words conjures up seemingly tangible memories, which fill up the room, and it's like we're back in that exact moment. _The sky was so... so blue and clear, and the road seemed endless in front of us, framed on either side by mountains._

The tears are running down his cheeks now, as he seems to be right in the image with me. 

_We weren't talking because we had that argument, remember? You got mad at me because I was too touchy in public? I tried holding your hand and was jokingly poking your sides at the store, and you got mad,_ I say and offer a soft chuckle at the trivial argument. _T_ _hen you grabbed my hand... for the first time, and, for the first time ever... I felt pure calm... belonging._

This time, again, he doesn't give a response, just another question: _How do you know you can't feel that way if we were just friends instead of boyfriends?_ He finally moves to sit next to me on his bed, wiping his tears away as he takes his steps. 

As if all the thoughts from the past week have become reality, my own tears start to fall from my eyes. _When you dropped me off after that first day..._ I force myself to take a deep breath here, before moving on, shutting my eyes to stop the tears for just a moment. _I stood outside my apartment building for... so long, my hand just on the handle to the door, feeling... feeling so breathless without you by my side. I very literally... couldn't breathe._

I lift my eyes to meet his, turning my body slightly and running my fingers along his thigh. I continued, a _nd I turned around to see your car still parked at the curb, and I knew you were feeling the same thing. Remember... you texted me later that day asking if it was a bad thing that you wanted to see me again so badly?_

No answer, just another question. _Do you think it's possible to have feelings for two people and have them both at the same time?_

_...Hwa..._

Our eyes are locked, both of us letting tears freely streak down our cheeks.

He takes my hands into his and offers a tight squeeze before getting up... and walking out of his bedroom. 

I sit in shock... and betrayal? Just staring at the door, waiting for him to walk back through. He doesn't. 

Eventually, I readjust myself so I'm sitting with my back against the headboard of his bed. Still processing what all these questions meant, I wipe away the tears until there are no more left. My unfocused gazed moves quickly over to the door when I hear quick footsteps padding in my direction, only to see Cutie peak his head into the room. A small smile breaks through the sadness, and Cutie takes that as a cue to jump into bed next to me. I blow out the candle on the nightstand and mindlessly run my fingers through Cutie's fur, now surrounded by almost complete darkness, the only light coming from the candle by the window. 

* * *

I must have fallen asleep like this, only waking to the sound of movement in the darkness, but I feel Cutie stir next to me, my hand still in his fur. Allowing my eyes to adjust to the darkness, I see the shadow in the room slowly moving away. 

From the doorway, I hear that all-too-familiar voice, _Water._

_Hwa,_ I call out, and the room settles back into silence. Unsure if he's even still in the room, I ask, _Can you take me to Wooyoung's place?_

_Okay._

* * *

I'm waiting for Seonghwa at the door to his apartment, shoes already on my feet. Cutie sits at my feet, looking up at me for attention. I crouch down and pet his head, saying goodbye for what might be the last time. 

He finally comes back out from his bedroom, jacket on. We make eye contact for a brief second before I look away, turning my gaze into his kitchen instead. I look at nothing in particular, waiting for Seonghwa to make his way to the door so we can leave, but he doesn't. 

I turn back to find him standing in the middle of his living room, directly beneath the overhead light fixture and shrouded in its brightness. 

Puzzled at his stance, both hands extended in front of him, I ask, _What?_

But he offers no verbal response, just motioning me over with his head, biting his bottom lip.

I slowly walk over, not entirely sure what he's asking for. _Seonghwa? What?_ I unknowingly call him by his full name. My only thought is he wants a hug, but I'm not entirely sure I can give that to him right now. 

He moves his hands slightly, still extended in front of him. I take that as a sign to place my hands into his.

We just stand there, underneath the light, eyes locked, hands held together. 

Silence. 

_I-I'm... sorry, Joong,_ tears are crowding his eyes again. 

_I'm... so sorry,_ he repeats. 

_I have... I have so many feelings for you,_ his voice breaking in the middle of his confession, and the tears start falling. 

_...but... I... can't choose you._

His knees finally give in, dropping him to the floor as he is sobbing uncontrollably. The tips of our fingers are still attached, his head dropped between his arms. His body starts to tremble in rhythm with his sobs, my heart breaking at the sight. 

I kneel down next to him, wrap my arms around his shoulders, and pull his head into my chest, his tears slowly seeping through my shirt. Just like on that first night, I ghost my fingers along his body, hoping it will soothe him the same it did that night. 

My gaze becomes unfocused again, staring at a random spot on his wall, as his sobbing continues. _Oh, Seonghwa..._ I think to myself, knowing his heart is imploding right now, knowing how much he still cares about me, even if this is what he's choosing. I continue mindlessly running my fingertips along his body for what seems like an eternity, my mind becoming completely blank in the time. 

Seonghwa breaks the trance, though, finally pushing his head off my chest, wiping his nose with the sleeve of his jacket. 

_Okay..._

_I'm all ready._

We stand up, eyes avoiding each other. We walk in silence to his car, my hand resting on the handle to the passenger side of his car, before opening it and sitting down in the same seat I've sat in so many times before. We both look straight ahead as he drives off, each of us in our own world's of thought. 

We finally pull up to Wooyoung's place. I can see the light on in his room from the car; he's probably waiting up for me. 

_Seonghwa..._

_Please... don't contact me again._

_Just... please._

I look at him one more time, reaching over to grab his hand and giving it one final squeeze, before stepping out of his car. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> meep. lots of emotions here. 
> 
> Your comments are always helpful! Would love to hear what you're thinking of the story so far :)

**Author's Note:**

> Here's a product of my boredom. More chapters to come!
> 
> Let me know what you think :)


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